As I have written about in this blog, I have experienced a wide variety of experiences throughout my life that I put under the category of paranormal. To me, the paranormal is not necessarily ghosts and spirits, but any phenomena that goes beyond our usual experiences. This could be mediumship, premonitions, time slip experiences and a host of other things.
Today, the paranormal is a popular subject for entertainment, a way for many people to find an enjoyable, safe scare. I would argue that for many people, however, paranormal experiences are life changing, and there is no obvious support system to help people process scary experiences. I know that my own experiences have had a profound impact on my emotional, physical, spiritual and mental development over the years. They aren’t things I draw upon just to tell a scary or unusual story, or to get attention. In fact, I think it’s the opposite. My tendency was to try to blend into the wallpaper, so to speak, so that I did not receive scrutiny or attention. I did not want to call attention to myself.
Without an understanding of my experiences and a lack of tools to handle them, I found my years of childhood paranormal experiences to be upsetting and frightening. I think I came to believe that I was not physically safe and became quite vigilant, constantly evaluating my surroundings, consciously and consciously, for signs of “danger.” Unfortunately, this vigilance kept my body in “flight” mode, and my nervous system settled into to this heightened state of arousal a good deal of the time. My nervous system remains highly sensitive and tends to overreact to situations, medications, environmental conditions and the like. I think it’s all about keeping myself safe, although I intellectually know that I am perfectly safe most of the time.
My constant fear spilled over to my social interactions. I was fairly shy and didn’t think that my peers would like me; I thought I was too weird for them because of my paranormal experiences (this wasn’t a conscious thought at the time). I was often uneasy at school and tended to have a few close friends, rather than larger groups of friends. Though this shifted as I got older, I found my school years until college to be socially difficult. Just as I was unconsciously evaluating for physical safety, I was constantly scanning for social safety and was quite sensitive to perceived social rejection. I know that is common for young people, but I think I was also afraid to be myself because what on earth would anyone think of me if they knew about my experiences and perceptive abilities?
Once I started college, a lot of my insecurities downgraded, but I still experienced a low mood most of the time; it was the background for my life. I still had fun, a lot of fun at times, but there was a low-level sadness that I couldn’t shake. At this point, I had seen therapists off and on for years, and I learned some valuable skills, but the low-level sadness continued to flow. Before you think I am painting to bleak of a picture, I should note that despite my anxieties – or maybe because of them! – I was a good student, worked, had friends, dated and mostly had a good life. But I often felt that something was missing or that there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
Interestingly, in therapy, I never talked about my paranormal experiences. I assumed it just didn’t count. I talked about my romantic life, my parents’ divorce and other aspects of my life, but I didn’t suspect how much my early experiences had shaped me. I didn’t seek out paranormal experiences, and I enjoyed sleeping well and not being afraid of the dark, with some exceptions (see “Paradise” Valley, as an example). It wasn’t until I was 50 years old and told a therapist about my paranormal background that it was validated as a childhood trauma. I was struck by that. It had not occurred to me that paranormal experiences could be defined as a trauma, something that could leave a lasting mark on someone.
Trauma can be loosely defined as as a psychological, emotional response to an event or an experience that is deeply distressing or disturbing. I thought that you had to experience war or other atrocities to experience trauma, but you can experience it to a lesser extent after experiencing things that are decidedly less violent and horrific, but still distressing the the experiencer. Your mind and body react as they wish to events; nobody purposefully brings on a traumatic response to something distressing.
Though I don’t focus on the concept of trauma, it has been incredibly validating to me to have my frightening paranormal experiences (and not all of them have been!) seen as real and as having profound impact on me. Finally, in my 50s, I am learning tools for self-protection that work and I am much more at peace with what I am learning to understand are spiritual gifts. I feel like I have much more control over my reaction to the paranormal and am learning to be curious rather than fearful. I am not hiding so much these days, as evidenced as sharing my experiences through a blog. The process of freeing myself from this fear has opened up multiple areas of my life, and I think even my nervous system has calmed down a bit.
Though I feel better, I do know that it’s still a bit taboo to discuss these experiences if one wants to be taken seriously in our culture. I think that dismissal can add to a sense of trauma, and there are not many resources to address this is a real issue for people. Maybe someone else will read this post and will feel validated for their own experiences.